I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
