he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
