i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
