The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she woke up with a sticky ear
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
