Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
