i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
