i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I've blown a few things in my day
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
