Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Randomize
