I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
