I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
