you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
