The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
