he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
