I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
