They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
