Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
