Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
