who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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