I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
