I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
