I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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