i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Sorry my hands just texted you
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
