so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
