My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
