from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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