would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Randomize
