Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
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He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
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But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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