Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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