This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I want to fling myself into the sun
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I need mimosas to revive my soul
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
