i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
