good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
