Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS