Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house