OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
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Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
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I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.