Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
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through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
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I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked