Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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