I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
