True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
