I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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