he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
