3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
handjob tips. give me some.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
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