Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
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