He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
