I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
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Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
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All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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