I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
