i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
The uberlube is also flammable
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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