i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
