woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
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Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
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