I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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