Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
