Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
