Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
