these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
