guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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