3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
foreskin is a definite game changer
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
