Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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