So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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