i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
