I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
