My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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